IF YOU GIVE A DONNY A COOKIE

A Children’s Book He Shouldn’t Read (But Probably Will Anyway)

What happens when a certain spray-tanned egomaniac gets his hands on a single cookie? Spoiler alert: it only takes one cookie to spiral into golden bathrooms, condiment conspiracies, and a classified meltdown on the golf course.

If You Give a Donny a Cookie is a 20-page, full-color parody posing as a children's book—but trust us, it’s not for kids. It’s for the politically exhausted, the satire connoisseurs, and anyone who’s ever screamed into a pillow during election season.

This witty, limited-edition satire is perfect for:

🍪 Gag gifts that offend all the right people

🍪Coffee tables, toilet tanks, and liberal uncles

🍪Reminding yourself that yes, it really happened

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SHIPPING

We ship from the Great Northern Bureau Outpost . Rates are calculated based on actual postal sorcery, average payload size , and how much paperwork we feel like filling out that day.

🐮🍪 Local Pickup (Calgary) – FREE

Live in Calgary? So do we. Avoid shipping entirely with a good old-fashioned hand-off.
No postage, no customs, no questions—just cookies and classified literature changing hands somewhere near a Timmy’s parking lot.

🇨🇦 Canada – Friendly Fire

🍁 Standard Dispatch – $6.99 CAD (Untracked)
Dispatched via sleepy moose and underpaid postal agents. No tracking, but it usually shows up—apologizing if late.

📦 Tracked Dispatch – $12.99 CAD
Includes a tracking number, insurance, and a very polite email from the Ministry of Mild Concern.
Recommended if you’re ordering hardcover books, bonus cookies (stickers), or don’t trust your mailbox.

🇺🇸 United States – Cookie Hostile Territory

🍪 Freedom Packet – $9.99 CAD (Untracked) + $0.47 CAD Freedom Tariff™ per item
Labeled “Totally Not Woke Literature.” Untracked. Uninsured.
Smuggled beneath the First Amendment, wrapped in plausible deniability, and declared as “cultural enrichment” (with sprinkles).
Each item you add—be it book, sticker, or forbidden knowledge—triggers a $0.47 Freedom Tariff™, used to fund... freedom.

🗽 Patriot Verified Shipping – $17.76 CAD (Tracked) + $0.47 CAD Freedom Tariff™ per item
Tracked. Insured. Pre-screened by a bald eagle with a security clearance.
Includes all the bells, whistles, and bureaucratic paperwork required to move politically sensitive materials across state lines.
Strongly recommended for swing states, banned book clubs, or anyone named "Don."

🌍 International – Reasonably Reasonable Nations

📮 Diplomatic Pouch – $8.99 CAD (Untracked)
Subtly slipped through customs via underfunded postal networks and plausible deniability. No tracking, but we believe in it.

🛰️ Global Surveillance-Class Shipping – $18.99 CAD (Tracked)
Tracked by retired Cold War satellites and a loosely allied coalition of truth-seekers.
Best for overseas operatives, literary rebels, and exiled librarians.

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📚 ISBN: 978-1-0694523-0-6
📚ISBN: 978-1-0694523-1-3 (Hardcover)